Happily ever after - A Spoby story
by Pancakes8.9
Summary: The untold story of Spoby after the finale. What should have been adressed and what they really deserve in the end after all they went through on the show. There won't be an instant happy ending, because they were put through so much shit on the show, but I promise you one, so please be patient with me! :) I update on Wattpad first! Username: Minin215 Thank you for reviewing! :D
1. Chapter 1

**Hey guys!:)**

 **Please note that I'm not a native speaker but I try my best to write grammatical correct sentences in English. Furthermore I had some problems with converting the file. I'm really sorry if the format is not as it's supposed to be!**

 **Spoiler Alert: If you haven't watched seasons 1 to 7, you should not read this.**

 **Disclaimer: I do not own Pretty Little Liars or the wonderful characters Sara Shepard and I. Marlene King created.**

 **Last but not least, I'm happy if you like it and leave me a review! :)**

 **Spencer POV**

"Please...", I desperately beg him to recognize me, to choose me. My heart is beating wildly and frantically against my ribcage, as if it wants to break free of my chest. But it is trapped, just like me.

I watch Toby lowering his gun and putting it in the back of his trousers. His ocean blue eyes glisten with tears. He cautiously approaches us, his glance flickers briefly at me and then he goes to her instead.

At that precise moment, my heart shatters in even more pieces than it already did after all those things I've been through. It's like being second choice once again. And I still refuse to get used to the emotion of feeling worthless and simply not enough in comparison to someone else.

Melissa, Yvonne, Hanna, the job and now obviously Alex. It's like a never ending circle and I just can't seem to escape from it.

And yes, I know this situation is slightly different, because he thinks she's me, but my brain can't seem to make a difference. I can't stop those torturing feelings from infecting my brain with those traitorous, poisonous thoughts. They occupy my head and settle down in my brain without my permission. And the fact that he obviously doesn't know me anymore adds to the pain I'm already drowning in.

On the verge of breaking down, my eyes start to water. I can't believe what's happening here, until Toby grabs Alex and fixes her hands behind her back like he probably did a hundred times at the police academy.

"What is your favourite poem of the [French] book you gave me?"

Without even thinking, I start reciting the poem I once read to Toby when we still were together. And I remember those precious moments where the world appeared to be fine, except in reality of course it wasn't.

"Une orange sur la table..."

As I start to speak, my eyes travel from Alex to Toby 's glassy eyes. When they meet mine all the world around us seems to disappear.

So many emotions are residing in the pools of his ocean blue orbs right now, it makes me want to cry. And I silently do, my voice almost cracking as I continue.

"...Ta robe sur le tapis..."

There's so much pain, sorrow, guilt, maybe even pity and something so powerful and strong resembling love swirling in his eyes, as the confirmation sinks in, not only to him but to me too, that he has in fact chosen me, the real Spencer, and not Alex. That despite walking to Alex, he did it because he knew she was the evil twin. Not me.

Then it happens all in a blur. Relief washes over me as an unknown police officer takes Alex into custody. And before I know it, I'm a sobbing mess and I feel his large hands on my cheeks and his warm lips touch mine ever so softly, as if he fears I might disappear otherwise. His blue eyes search mine as we rest our foreheads against each other, the world once again fading away around us. My lips are still tingling. And the familiar sensation of butterflies erupting in my belly, which I thought I had lost forever after our break-up, is back again.

"God, Spence, I love you! I'm so glad you're safe!", he murmurs almost frantically with a tremulous voice.

Right afterwards I'm enveloped in a giant, bone-crushing bear hug. My head is secured in the crook of Toby's neck with his large calloused hand cradling it and I pull him to me as close as humanly possible, gratefully taking in the scent that is so uniquely him.

I'm so overwhelmed with the whole situation that I barely register the words he said a moment ago and I doubt he was actually aware of what he was saying either.

"I promise, I won't ever let you go again. I don't think I could survive without you.", he mumbles against my hair.

It's right then and there that my world comes crashing down and the full realization of what happened with Alex hits me like a ton of bricks.

My heartbeat is accelerating as I start to shake uncontrollably. It's like I'm drowning, unable to breath. And even though I'm surrounded by air, everything feels so damn suffocating.

A panic attack is nothing unfamiliar to me, neither is it to Toby seeing me like this. Though, I was always able to keep this side hidden from my friends. I had to be the strong one all the time. However right now I can't anymore.

Toby takes action immediately and it's consoling that he still knows exactly what I need in those moments.

He strokes my back in a soothing pattern, while cradling my head and whispering comforting words into my ear like "It's okay Spence, I'm here.", "You're safe now. She can't hurt you anymore", "I've got you." or "Just breathe with me, in and out.".

My trembling body is clinging onto him like he is my life line. And in a way he is. My safe place to land, still.

A wave of nausea hits me. As if sensing it, he lowers my shaking frame to the ground and holds my hair back as I relieve myself of the scarce contents which were recently residing in my stomach.

Soon, I'm just dry heaving and if it weren't for Toby, I would probably hyperventilate once again. However he manages to calm me down as I weakly collapse into his arms for the second time that night.

I feel drained, hopeless and lost, after losing control like this. Luckily, before I can dwell on the thoughts of shame for showing my weakness in front of my friends, the well-known numbness kicks in.

Right now, I'm thankful for being void of emotions. Because I feel so damn tired of them. Actually I feel tired of everything. It's like being back in the woods.

Toby looks concerned, while wiping away the tears I was not even aware of falling. But they keep flowing like a never ending river of dolefulness and agony.


	2. Chapter 2

**Toby POV**

Hearing Spencer recite the poem, makes my knees go weak and I swear, even with the tears in her eyes, looking fragile and broken beyond repair, I've never seen someone so beautiful.

It feels like an eternity to me but it takes me just a few seconds to reach her, after I hand the wrong Spencer to the officer.

I don't hesitate to cup her face and kiss her softly on the lips. And I swear, there are fireworks erupting in my chest. Suddenly, I feel so indescribably alive again and I didn't even realize I lacked this sentiment since our break-up a few years ago. As I rest my forehead against hers, ocean meets coffee and the world around us doesn't exist anymore.

Unbeknownst to me, the unconscious urge to tell her what I feel takes over and without further ado the words I always used to say to her a long time ago tumble out of my mouth again.

 _I love you._

Without waiting for her reaction, I engulf her protectively in my arms, being so damn grateful that she made it out of this mess alive.

And it's this moment I start to realize I couldn't survive without her and I simply don't want to anymore. I don't care if it's appropriate to think that way after all we went through, I just want to keep her safely in my arms right now and never let her go. That's exactly what I tell her, because she needs to know.

I still can't wrap my head around what happened. Spencer has an identical twin. My head is racing with thoughts and I'm wondering when it all started? Which moments did I experience with the fake one and which were with the real Spencer? Was it all a lie? How didn't I find it out sooner? And who the hell did I sleep with?

An eerie feeling settles down in my stomach and I push those nagging thoughts aside, focusing my attention on the person that needs it the most now.

The only thing I know for sure is that the fragile woman I currently embrace in my arms is the real Spencer. It takes one look at her for me to know that she's about to have a panic attack.

She had these attacks a lot right after the dollhouse and I remember praying and hoping they will go away some day so she can live a happy live without constant anxiety. Because she, of all people, deserves it.

Frankly, I wanted to be the one to be there by her side every step of the way. Helping her recover and be her once upon a time. But I didn't and I wasn't. I broke my promise that she'll never be alone, not even for a second. And I feel so indescribably guilty about it, that I can't even put it into words. I let her down so many times and I left her unprotected. I should have been there for her, even with Yvonne. What was I even thinking, leaving her alone with all the A.D. mess in the first place?

Maybe then she wouldn't have been abducted and locked up in a bunker once again. Facing her old demons, being trapped not only literally, but also in her own mind.

I try my best to console her, to show her that she's not alone anymore, that I won't leave again. On instinct I lower her onto the grass, where she pukes her guts out.

Minutes later, her breathing evens out a bit. Totally exhausted she falls into my arms. The expression on her face is empty and hollow, like all the life has been sucked out of her. She reminds me painfully of my mom as an endless trail of tears flows down her cheeks, while I desperately try to wipe them away.

That's when Emily touches my shoulder sympathetically. "Should we bring her to the ... umhh... hospital?"

I vigorously shake my head no. "Believe me Em, being lonely and sedated in a hospital bed is the last thing she needs right now. I'll stay with her. But could you give us a lift, please?"

Emily nods and I scoop Spencer carefully up into my arms. She still stares blankly ahead and it scares the shit out of me.

We follow the others out of the bunker, through the house I primarily built for her. I settle us down on the backseat of Ems the car, stroking her hair and mumbling soothing words and sorrys in her ear on the otherwise silent drive.

Finally we arrive at the barn and I thank Emily for driving us. As I try to leave the car with her in my arms, I feel her instantly tense. And then I hear it. A hoarse voice barely above a whisper begging me: "No... please!"

"Spence, what do you mean? Is it the barn? Do you want to go somewhere else?"

She nods slowly and I take it as a yes, silently wondering if the barn was where Alex kidnapped her. Emily climbs out of the car to fetch the keys to the "Lost woods" and some of her clothes and we are on our way again, making a small detour to the Radley's to get my stuff.

I would have stayed with her there, but just the thought of it makes me sick. Partly because it's still a former mental institution and it could stir up bad memories. Partly because I don't want to relive what happened in the very same room a night ago. The thought of being in this bed disgusts me, if my horrible suspicions are really about to be proven right. And I also don't want to torture her by forcing her to lie down in the same sheets either.

My trainof thoughts comes to a halt, when we finally arrive at the "Lost Woods".


	3. Chapter 3

**Spencer POV**

Toby puts me gently on the bed of the room he previously spent the night in. Even though I feel exhausted, I know I won't be able to sleep.

 _Been there, done that. Welcome to my world._

At least I seem to have run out of tears for the time being. Toby's soft voice brings me back out of my trance and I shift my head slightly to glance at him.

"Spence? I've run you a bath, is that okay with you? Do you need anything else? Or do you want something to eat?", he asks concerned, crouching down in front of me. Gingerly, he brushes a strand of hair out of my face and places it behind my ear, before he rests his hand on my cheek to kindly wipe away some of my mascara smudges.

As the meaning of the words slowly sinks in, I steadily nod in agreement in order to answer his questions.

His caring words almost make me want to start crying again. How can he be this calm, focusing all his attention on me, when he went through something so horrible and outraging himself? How is he able to hold it together without breaking down? How can he even look at me right now without being constantly reminded of Alex?

And then I'm just so damn grateful for all the things he does and he doesn't even know that.

"Thank you, Toby. For saving me. For everything. " My voice comes out as a barely audible, raspy whisper.

Tentatively, I enclose my hand over the one that is currently cupping my cheek. It's scarcely noticeable, but before he closes his eyes and lets out a content sigh, a mixture of fear and hurt flashes in his pools of ocean and he shortly flinches at the unexpected contact of my cold skin with his own.

My heart breaks for him. His toughness is replaced by vulnerability. And I don't know what else to do, except to apologize over and over again, admitting that everything is my fault, that I put him into this mess. I can't even look him in the eyes at the moment, I feel so guilty.

"I'm _so_ sorry, Toby... I never meant for anything like this to happen. I'm so sorry, I dragged you into this...I-"

He instantly shushes me and cups my other cheek in order to catch my gaze.

"No no no no no, stop right there Spence. Nothing of what has happened is your fault, do you hear me? If anything, I'm the one to blame for not finding out sooner, for not being there for you, for leaving you in the first place...", he trails of.

The look in his watery, blue orbs is so weirdly familiar. It reminds me of the day in the motel room, when I found out he is alive after being on the A-Team.

He beats himself up for everything that went down, even though he himself has been harmed in unspeakable ways. His wife died and Alex took advantage of his vulnerable state. If she told the truth, she sexually abused him. And here he is in front of me blaming himself.

I shake my head frantically: "You're not guilty for this mess, do you hear me, Toby Cavanaugh? And don't let anyone else tell you differently." I state quietly, but with emphasis.

Nevertheless, he avoids my gaze and inhales deeply as if he's about to argue with me. However he decides otherwise. He meekly kisses my forehead, gets up and helps me into the adjoining bathroom, where a warm bubble bath is waiting for me.

What feels like hours later my skin is wrinkly, the water is already cold and all the bubbles are gone. However I sit here in the tub with my knees tucked under my chin and I can't get myself to move.

My recurring thoughts are circling around Alex and all the things that went down.

I was born in a nuthouse and two of my sisters were batshit crazy. Doesn't it mean I'm crazy, too?

"You're talking with yourself Spence, of course you are..." I chuckle humorlessly.

Besides my insanity and my loony family, I think of Toby and Alex. Of history repeating itself. Like mother, like daughter.

And though I know my dad was far from innocent, because he had an affair with Jessica, he was tricked into sleeping with my birthmom. He was raped, too. It makes me feel more sympathetic towards him, despite his many faults.

The shocking irony of it all is, that my whole existence is based on that incident. I wouldn't even be here, if my dad wasn't sexually violated. An what if the same happened again and Alex is pregnant? It's a possibility, but I can't got down that road right now. I refuse to.

Then my thoughts drift back to Toby. He was raped several times, too. The pure beautiful soul of a man, who deserved so much better.

Even if it crushes my heart, he deserved a happy live with Yvonne, far away of all the Rosewood-Drama. He was truly happy, without me. He chose her and married her.

And this past year after her death was hard for him, I could see it in his eyes. But he tried, he tried so damn hard to get back on track. He almost managed. He looked a lot better, when he came back from Africa.

Regardless, the love I felt for him and still feel after all this time seemed unrequited. And even so he said otherwise in the bunker, how could it not be? It's not as if he suddenly stopped mourning his wife.

And him allegedly sleeping with me in the cabin, was more an act of vulnerability than an act out of love. I did something similar once to numb the pain over someone I seemed to have lost at that time. To feel loved and cared for. And of course his situation is so much worse.

Alex impersonating me destroyed everything that was left in the messy leftovers that once were an intact relationship.

And it hurts.

It hurts that he was raped again.

It hurts that they shared something so intimate.

It hurts that even so she was not me, he never ever mentioned the kiss or the sex to me once.

It hurts because in my crazy mind these poisonous thoughts make me feel worse.

It hurts because those traitorous ideas lead me to the conclusion that it meant nothing to him, just casual sex, a rebound. With his second choice. The second choice I clearly was.

And I feel so sick and disgusted with myself for even allowing my mind to go down that path. How can I actually be so selfish? He was raped for gods sake and I'm sitting here, grieving that I'm not good enough, when he was raped. I'm so ashamed of myself. And it doesn't make me better than Alex.

Suddenly, I hear a soft knock on the door and Toby appears in the door frame with a concerned look on his face. At this my guilt level is only rising like a tide, washing over me and burying everything under it as fresh tears stream down my face.


	4. Chapter 4

**Toby POV**

„Hi there...You were in the tub for quite a while now, so I thought I'd check up on you... "

It's then I realize, she's crying again. "Oh, Spence..."

I slowly enter the room and approach her crying figure cautiously. To see her broken hurts my heart in ways I cannot explain. In moments like this, I just want to make it better for her. Take the pain away. As a matter of fact, I would do anything for her wellbeing.

But I guess she rightfully doesn't believe that. Not anymore. How could she, after I've let her down so many times.

I left her alone with her PTSD, after the pregnancy scare.

I left her to go away with Yvonne, even though I had a feeling she wasn't safe.

I left her, while Alex was out there, threatening her life and shooting her.

I left her alone with the aftermath of finding out, that she was born in Radley and adopted.

Taking a concerned look at her now, I still see the guilt in her eyes and I know that she's blaming herself for what happened. Of course we will have to talk about it, rather sooner than later. However now is not the time. I have to get her out of the now freezing water. She has to eat and get some rest first.

I have no idea whatsoever, how long exactly she's been down there in this god damn bunker without something to eat or sleep. Although I have a hunch about that, I'm not sure of anything anymore.

Snapping out of it, I hurry to fetch some towels and help her out of the bathtub. Along the way I avert my gaze to give her some privacy. Then I wrap her in a towel and steady her weak body, while drying her off carefully with a second towel.

Afterwards, I guide her to the bedroom and slip one of my shirts over her head, so it rests above the towel. I leave the room so she can change in her undergarments, only to return with a fresh bowl of soup and a loaf of bread.

There is a ghost of an amused smile on her face, as she gratefully devours my homemade instant soup with letter noodles.

"Hey, don't judge, at least I tried, didn't I?"

Her faint smile turns into a full blown grin which doesn't quite reach her eyes, as she answers: "Still not much of a cook, are you?"

And then she adds thoughtfully: "If I wasn't so hungry, we could play scrabble with the soup."

Chuckling at her comment, I'm just glad the mood lightened a bit. It's a good sign. She's on a long way of recovery and this is the first step forward. And as long as she let's me, I will be there for her all the way.

I'm so proud of her. She broke out of her trance and she's trying. She's trying so damn hard. She's the strongest woman I ever met.

"Wanna watch some Netflix?", I suggest to distract her mind from things.

"Yeah, sure, why not?", She replies nonchalantly.

I put on the first episode of the show we always used to watch together and settle down on the bed. My back is resting on the headboard and I hold a hairbrush in my hand.

"Come here, Spence!" I invite her, patting the space between my legs. She sits down and before I pull the towel off of her head, I embrace her from behind.

I nuzzle her neck, taking in her familiar scent. In the meantime, I can't believe how I could be stupid enough to not realize everything sooner. I dismissed it as a different perfume at that time or me not remembering correctly. But how could I ever forget?

 _"I've almost forgotten your smell."_

I feel ashamed and guilty. And I'm so sorry for not noticing. To provide myself comfort and console her, my hug tightens on her. She lifts her delicate hands up to my arms and lets out a content sigh.

As if reading my mind she simply says:"It's not your fault, Toby. You couldn't have known. I mean, who thinks like 'Oh, she acts a bit different, it might be an evil twin impersonating her'? Right, nobody. So don't beat yourself up. Especially when..."

She trails of and I kiss her neck lightly. We both don't speak another word as we hang after our own thoughts.

After sitting in silence for a while, I loosen my grip and release her long chestnut locks in order to tame them. I softly brush her in a, what I hope, calming way.

Half an hour later, I try to suppress a yawn, however I fail miserably. Spencer softly laughs at my attempt to hide it and then we both decide to call it a night. So I tuck her in and give her a peck on the forehead.

The door is slightly ajar, so she doesn't feel trapped. I really don't want to leave her alone, but I don't want to put any pressure on her either.

"Good night, Spence. Don't hesitate to call me if you need me. I'm just across the hall, okay?"

She pauses before she says something. At first, I wasn't sure, if I imagined the words, but then she lifts her covers.

"Toby, I know it's too much to ask...Can you stay...please?" She asks quietly, avoiding my gaze. I know she feels ashamed to admit that she needs something. That she's not always strong.

"Of course. I'll stay as long as you want me to be there."

I remove my trousers and then my shirt, silently asking her, if it's okay.

Crawling under the covers, I lie next to her. For a moment I consider what's the right thing to do. Then I blurt it out anyways: "Come here, Spence."

I open up my arms so she can lie down on my bare chest. And she does, head and hand resting on my heart. This feels right. It feels like being home after a long time. Our feet intertwined, one of my hands stroking her hair, while the other rests on her hip.

And for a second, I manage to pretend, that everything is fine. That the nightmare we all went through never happened. And I imagine a future where everything will be okay in the end.


	5. Chapter 5

**Spencer POV**

Being in his arms again after such a long time, I feel at peace. After all this time he's still my home, my safe place to land.

However it's not that simple and quite frankly, it never was. I know perfectly well, that nothing of the debris in this emotional mess is cleared up. What the future might hold is still in the dark.

But just for a second, I imagine that everything is alright. That the break up and all those events following it, never happened.

We lie there in comfortable silence for a while and I listen to his heart beating like a lullaby trying to put me slowly into sleep.

But I can't.

Not yet.

My thoughts are racing and my mind won't shut down. So I lie awake just staring blankly at the wall. Waiting for exhaustion to take over and put me into a restless slumber. And soon after Toby's breathing evens out, it finally does.

I wake up to the chirping of birds. Small rays of sunshine are finding their way through the window curtains. The clock on the nightstand tells me that it's barely half past six in the morning. I mentally groan, but nevertheless start to get up.

Toby is still sound asleep underneath me and it's not easy to get out of his tight, protective grip without waking him, but I manage. It's not like it's the first time I have to do that without him knowing either.

I don't bother to get out of his shirt, not wanting to lose the comfort it provides me, just yet. I put on some pants and a cardigan and scribble down a note, so he won't panic when he wakes up and I'm gone. Taking one last look at his peacefully sleeping figure, I leave the room to get myself some coffee.

After my regular morning fix of caffeine, I go to the paddock to visit Bashful.

This horse reminds me so much of Toby. He was shy at first and didn't open up to anyone, but me. And without knowing it, he guided me through dark parts of my life like a saving grace.

After Alex was gone last year I thought at first that everything is going to be fine. And it was, at least for people on the outside it looked like that. Pretending everything is okay was my new normal. There were even days, I believed myself. Days, I was actually happy.

However there were a lot of dark days, too.

Dark days, I wouldn't admit to anyone that I'm having them.

Dark days, when it was hard to get up and I didn't see the point of doing so, at all.

Dark days, when I remembered my mom is not my mom and I'm the result of rape.

Dark days, when I was reminded of my dead half sister Charlotte, who tormented me for a long time.

Dark days, when I came to terms with the fact, that I lost the love of my life a long time ago and that he's gone to Africa, grieving for his belated wife, the love of _his_ life.

It was times like these, I almost fell back into the old habit of popping pills again. More precisely the pain killers I got after I was shot. They numbed all the pain and god knows how I longed for not feeling anything.

Although I love my friends, they were all caught up in their own happy bubbles, planning weddings and nurseries, looking at a successful sunshiny future. Something I didn't see myself ending up with. Not since Toby was gone anyways. I just didn't want to be a burden to them.

Dean came to my mind, but I didn't want to call him, because I knew I had no right to. So I met up regularly with Dr. Sullivan instead.

Then I met Bashful at the animal shelter, after I decided to start riding again at therapy. Anne agreed with me that it could help me to get back on track.

Like he was a rescue, I was one too and we kind of saved each other. Everytime I had the urge to take pills, I went to visit Bashful. To be honest, I still do. That's exactly why I went here at the crack of dawn, grooming him in order to take a ride.

Yeah, you might remember that I promised Toby to call him, but that was a long time ago. To many promises have been broken since. He doesn't deserve to be bothered with my problems, to be sucked into the abyss of the darkness which surrounds me. He suffered enough. He still does. And that's the reason why I didn't wake him.

I know he would do anything for me, but I'm not his responsibility. Not anymore. As hard as it is, I have to accept that. I can't let myself believe everything is fine again, just to wake up and find out it's not. I wouldn't survive it.

Far too much has occurred in our lives and the familiarity of yesterday and all our recent encounters is delusive. Nothing is resolved and to try and build a romantic relationship on a heap of problems, confused emotions and broken dreams would be like committing hara-kiri. Bound to end in tragedy and hearts that stop beating.

I'm so lost in my own thoughts, grooming Bashful that I don't hear Toby approaching. But I slightly jump as I feel his large arms sneak around my tiny waist from behind, his chin resting on my shoulder, placing a small kiss on my neck and whispering a soft good morning.

Tensing up a bit, I prevent myself from leaning back into his chest. I can't allow myself to give into those feelings. Keeping my distance for now is the only solution here. It's inevitable.

He wouldn't be here, if the car crash didn't happen. I know it's completely unintentional of him, nevertheless I'm just a consolation prize. Like old familiar feelings resurfacing in times of need. A replacement, when you can't have the real thing anymore. An old habit. Nothing more.

The sooner I admit that to myself, the better.

Toby seems to sense that I'm uncomfortable and loosens his grip, so I can wriggle out of it. I turn around and for a short moment, I can see the hurt of my rejection flash in his eyes. But as fast as it was there, it's gone. He places his hands in his pant pockets, before he speaks.

"Soooo, how about a small picnic and we talk or not talk or whatever you want? You could also give me some riding lessons afterwards, if you'd like?"

"Sounds good, but we don't have the things we need for a picnic, have we?"

Toby chuckles amused, takes my hand and leads me out of the paddock to a tree with a whole picnic on a blanket set beneath it.

"Well, you might not have all the necessities, but I have!"

Bashfully, he scratches his neck and turns a light shade of red, obviously unsure of how I'd react. Capturing my surprised expression, he laughs and winks at me before gesturing for me to sit down.

As I do so, I can't help the sinking feeling in my stomach. This kind act doesn't make what I have to say any easier. Nonetheless it has to be done. Soon.


	6. Chapter 6

**Toby POV**

Waking up with an empty bedside next to me is a sentiment I had to get used to for almost over a year now.

But this time it's different. Not only does it leave a bitter sweet taste in my mouth as it reminds me of the lonely mornings after I allegedly spent the night with Spencer. There's also the undeniable hint of panic rising inside of me, especially right after her being kidnapped by Alex.

Alarmed, I jump out of the bed calling her name. I search for her, while thinking of places where she could be. Lookout Point, the stables, the Brew for a coffee, the girls... There are so many options.

Sadness suddenly overwhelms me as I come to realize, that I simply don't know anymore. I don't know _her_ anymore. And it's all my fault, because I made the dumbest mistake and broke things off with her years ago.

However, before I can take any further actions, I find her neatly written note telling me she's with Bashful at the paddock and I don't have to worry.

This makes me smile. I should have known she would do something like assuring that I'm fine. She always thinks of everything.

Except for when it comes to taking care of herself. She probably didn't even have breakfast. Coffee excluded, of course. Some things probably never change.

It makes me kind of miserable that no one is taking care of her, at least not anymore. All I ever wanted for her is to be happy. Spence – of all people – deserves to be happy and taken care of.

This is the reason why I decided to surprise her with a spontaneous outdoor picnic breakfast and why we are currently sitting cross-legged under a tree, leaning against the large trunk and eating in tranquility.

"Sooo...", I break the silence, but it's Spencer who addresses the huge elephant in the room without further ado.

"Sooo, I have a twin sister... Isn't it ironic? Just when I thought my family couldn't get more messed up and I finally know the truth, I get the rug pulled out from under me and I end up on my ass. Again."

Her words remind me of the first time we had an actual conversation on my porch. In an attempt to lighten the mood I answer like I did back then: "C'est dommage."

Despite the situation we are in, she manages to crack a half smile that actually reaches her eyes, obviously recalling my words and responding with: "C'est la guerre. You still remember that?"

" 'course I do. How could I ever forget, right?" I answered, looking her dead in the eye, while she blushes and averts her gaze.

And I meant it. This was the beginning of everything. My life took a new turn. Although it was never just sunshine and rainbows, I wouldn't want to trade it for anything. The only thing I would change is letting her go in the first place.

We both chuckle slightly, while hanging after our own thoughts. And then, just like that, the atmosphere takes a U- turn and Spencer is back to being serious.

"Alex told me what she did and I'm really really sorry for what happened to you, Toby."

She says barely above a whisper while putting one of her own small hands on mine and squeezing it reassuringly. Her big coffee orbs were filled with unshed tears and I see so much agony, dolefulness and guilt in them, it overwhelms me to the point that I have to look away.

I know exactly what she is talking about. Even though it's tough for me to reopen my old wounds, I know it's necessary.

Besides, there is no one else I trust more with this touchy subject. Spence was the only person I willingly confided in when it came to Jenna.

We often talked about it, because at first I had difficulties with intimacy due to my traumatic experiences with Jenna. It was a secret only we shared, not even Emily knew of my struggle.

Spencer was my very first girlfriend and I was afraid she would leave me, after finding out. Or she would hate the fact, that I'm not diving passionately right into a full-on make-out session like all the other boys at school would do. Furthermore, I was always a shy kid and my bashfulness wasn't helping either. But we had a mutual understanding. She wanted to ensure that I'm comfortable with everything we do and so did I with her. We took everything slow.

Eventually, when we started to take things further like second and third base, I would have flashbacks and we needed to stop sometimes. It was another reason, why she suggested to wait with having sex.

And I'm so grateful for it, despite the fact that it was literally hard for me to do so at times. Certain body reactions can't be surpressed, if you get, what I mean. And Spencer has always been beautiful and attractive to me. Besides, it wasn't like I didn't want "it", I just couldn't.

However, the brain is a tricky thing concerning memories and emotions. The more I pressured myself to go through with it, the worse the flashbacks got.

For a while it was pretty frustrating and if it wasn't for my Spencer, I don't know what I would've done. Spencer helped me through it and we accomplished to have a normal sex life in the end.

Our first time was perfect and I didn't think of Jenna for a single second. The funny thing is, it wasn't immacualte for the reasons you'd imagine it to be. Because, even though I didn't last too long for obvious reasons and I probably don't have the biggest mini me, it was still surprisingly her who came first. We also laughed a lot during intercourse at how naturally awkward it was when we tried to change positons.

But it didn't matter in the end. All those perfect imperfections made it perfect in its own way. Because it was passionate and we were so in love, clinging desperately onto one another in all this A-mess we were in.

I still remember how high I was on cloud nine after it. We both were. Often, we couldn't keep our hands to ourselfs, when we were in private.

It was a turning point in my life and she was my guardian light, rescuing me from the evil claws of the demons of my past.

To be completely honest, I didn't even share this dark part of my live with Yvonne. I just didn't want to go there again as long as I could prevent it. And I can't deny the fact that it was quite convenient the topic never arose. Because of her abortion, she wanted to wait until marriage anyway.

Furthermore, even if it was just for a short period of my life, I could pretend to be a normal full-grown man and not the weak, pathetic, sorry excuse of a man, I sometimes felt like on my darkest days, when the torturing memories returned in my worst nightmares.

But I guess I have to face my demons and revisit my past, because it's undeniably linked to the present. I involuntarily gulp, before I speak, tears already threatening to fall down my cheeks, my feelings all over the place.

"Spence, I- I need answers to some things... I get... I get that this is all so messed up, I –"

Before my voice cracks, Spencer interrupts me.

"Hey, it's okay. I know it's not easy though we have to talk about it. And I know, we are not an _us_ anymore, but I'm here and you're not alone. No matter what. Okay? So now come here and let's get this over with."

Encouragingly, she taps her lap as an invitation for me to lie down. She is very well aware of the fact that it's easier for me without eye contact for evident reasons.

I could never maintain eye contact while talking about those horrible experiences. And this time it only complicates things that she unfortunately looks exactly like her.

Nevertheless, it's my Spence, I'm talking to right now and I need the solace of her immediate physical presence.

I bite my tongue on the "not an us part anymore". It hurts to hear that and of course I want to argue, I want that to change more than anything. Maybe that's exactly how she felt, when I said those words to her. Gosh, I'm so stupid. I should have done something then. We could be happy now, if only I had. I was so blind back then. However now is not the time to talk about my dumb mistakes.

So I briefly nod and comply with her wishes. Sensing the warmth of her womb under my cheek, one of her hands stroking soothingly through my hair, while the other one squeezes my hand resting on her leg, I feel completely and utterly secure. She's still my safe place to land. Like I was hers all these years ago.

"Take your time, I'm ready when you are. It's okay, you are safe with me."

I inhale and take a deep breath.

"Spence...when I was about to leave to Maine, did you...did you visit me before I left?" I ask her cautiously.

"No, I'm sorry Toby, I just... I couldn't. You know, the day when you told me you were building the house for me, but you're going to leave with Yvonne... It kind of broke me... Despite all of the A.D. drama I couldn't handle to say goodbye. But... Alex visited you, didn't she?"

"I'm afraid, I never meant to hurt you Spence... Yeah, she came to the house and gave me the exact same book you have on your night stand. And she begged me for a goodbye kiss... It was a strange thing for you to ask me that, even for the sake of closure, but I didn't question it any further.

I guess, I felt guilty for leaving you alone in this mess. Afterwards I felt even more guilty, because I cheated. And to make it worse yet, I was so into the kiss that I wouldn't have stopped if you – she... didn't end it first."

Underneath me, I feel her slightly tense as I finish my last sentence and it hits me now, that she got it all wrong.

"Spence, I didn't mean it like that, I only said it was worse, because I know now, it wasn't really you, I was kissing. I feel so indescribably ashamed for enjoying it under the impression it was you, when in reality it wasn't and I kissed Alex...It makes me so sick that I liked kissing her...I'm sooo sorry, Spence."

At this she's leaning down, kissing my head softly and I notice something wet hitting my cheek. I don't comment on it, since I wouldn't want to be called out for crying either. Moreover it's only logical after the emotional turmoil she went through in the last days.

"It's alright, Tobes...I get it.", she sighs deeply and comforts me to continue with my questioning.

So I suck in the air and go ahead.


	7. Chapter 7

**Spencer POV**

Yes, you could say that it hurt a lot to listen to those horrendous things coming out of Alex' filthy mouth, while being imprisoned in this godforsaken bunker cell.

Nevertheless, this is nothing compared to the excruciating agony I feel now.

The whole unabashed truth shows its ugly face as Toby begins to utter those dreadful words I wish I never had to hear. And he hasn't reached the cruel part of his story either.

Still, I'm positive that I have to prepare myself for the ugliness of the disastrous events which will be mentioned without a doubt in his following narration.

He's lying in my lap, face pale, eyes bloodshot and I just wish I could take all his misery away.

And I know he is not the only one suffering. Actually, I'm hurting too. I feel a tear trickling down my cheek as Toby confesses to me, that he feels guilty for being into the kiss he allegedly had with me. But I have to stay strong. _For_ _him_.

He's Toby and he's the last person who deserves this anguish. In fact, nobody does.

In any case, he needs my support now more than ever. So I'm going to suck it up and be there for him, no matter how much it rips me apart to hear those things.

Because after all this time I'm still in love with him. I can't deny it anymore, even though he obviously isn't.

What he said when he rescued me, was probably just a spur of the moment thing to say. He was confused, caught up in old memories, while I recited the poem. Or maybe he even meant it strictly platonic.

 _Limerence; a kind of unrequited love._

And that's that.

But then he explains that he only feels so ashamed, since it turned out to be Alex instead of me and he liked the kiss. Not because he was ashamed to kiss me. So maybe there is yet a small ray of hope. After all, he kissed me briefly in the bunker.

 _Forget it Spencer, you know what they say about hope. It breeds eternal misery._

Besides, after all those things that happened, I can't go there again. It just hurts to much. I snap out of it and encourage him to go on.

"What about the visits in the hospital after the car crash... I thought it was you, but I'm not sure of anything anymore..."

"Yeah, it was me... However the first visit... I was too much of a coward to do so... And then Alex kind of tricked me into visiting you.

She sent us this huge board game and I had the choice between truth or dare... I took the dare to get more informations about my birthmother... My task was to visit you in hospital.

I don't know why she did it. Maybe she knew it would be horrible for me to see you this broken over Yvonne. Maybe she wanted to make it awkward between us, because of the kiss.

Or maybe she wanted me to feel even more guilty than I already did. After all, I begged you to leave with her in order to keep you save. So it was _my_ fault. You would be happily married currently, if it wasn't for me."

He shook his head and squeezed my hand that was holding his tightly.

"No Spence, it wasn't. I should never have left. And if anything, I drove the car. So it's all on me..."

I gently stroke his hair, while I try to convince him otherwise. However, he remains stubborn and I finally give up, at least for now. He would have to face it some other time if he wants to move on though. Living with the burden of blaming himself would always stop him from living a normal and happy life again.

For the time being I don't want to upset him anymore. And after a while we continue talking about Alex.

"When I was summoned back to Rosewood by Tanner for questioning, I met you at the Radley's and invited you to come to the cabin... Shortly after, you visited me there. It... It wasn't you, was it?" He asked shakily and my heart broke for him.

I have a feeling what's coming next because Alex already mentioned it. Up until now, I prayed it wasn't true, that she just said those terrible things to rile me up, make me feel miserable. I mean, how could she? How dare she take advantage of someone who is grieving over his belated wife? Someone so pure and innocent like Toby?

"I'm so sorry Toby..."

"God, I am so unbelievably stupid... You- she acted so different this evening, wearing a leather jacket and all. But still, I didn't get it..."

He rubs his face almost relentlessly, as if he could rid himself of all bad reminders and emotions by doing so. I grab his hands to stop him and he calms down a bit.

The next thing I'm about to ask, is something I don't want to know, but at the same time I have to.

"Toby, you know, I'd never force you to tell me, so you don't have to...but what happened?"

"It's okay Spence... I think I have to get it off my chest. And I know it's selfish of me, since you have to listen to it. But truth be told, there is nobody else I trust as much to speak about this... except for you."

His confession amazes me and it warms my heart that he still trusts me like that. After all this time. Unable to express my emotions verbally, I plant a small kiss on his head and he seems to understand, because he clears his throat and goes on.

"It's all pretty confusing and before I go on, I need you to believe me, when I tell you that I was under the impression it was you the whole time."

"Okay..."

"So, when Alex knocked on the cabin door, I was kind of surprised, that she took me up upon my offer. I knew perfectly well that it wasn't a good idea to invite you in the first place. I was just so devastated and alone. Yvonne died two weeks ago and I needed solace and company."

My bitter thoughts return again and I can't stop them.

 _Congratulations Spence, you are basically the consolation prize here._

"But above all, I realized how much I missed spending time with you when I saw you back then. Nonetheless, I honestly never meant for it to go that far _..._

One minute we were talking. And there was something she said which made me wonder, because it was so unlike you. However, I pushed it aside. I thought that maybe some things did change after all this time.

Next we were sitting on the couch and she mentioned the kiss. She...she touched my face and thinking it was you, it provided me so much comfort. Then she was looking so l-lost and vulnerable herself and before I knew it, she was kissing me and I k-kissed her back.

I'm soooo sorry Spence...

One thing led to another and we stood up and she...she p-pushed me in the direction of the bed. I reckon, I'll do us both a favor and s-spare you the details.

Anyhow, I- I didn't reflect on it... It felt so wrong and so right at the same time, because it was you, when in reality it wasn't.

I have no idea why we... h-had sex that night. There was so much going on and my feelings were all over the place. Yvonne just d-died, I was lonely and the last time I had slept with someone was with you at your dorm. What can I say, I'm just a guy and I probably subconsciously missed being intimate, particularly with someone as special as you.

A-and because I thought it was y-you, it was so familiar and comforting. Gosh Spence, I missed you so damn much.

The next d-day I woke up a-and she was gone. At first it hurt that I woke up alone again, although I didn't know what that night meant for us. Then I felt guilty for doing this so soon after Yvonne's d-death. I guess that's the reason why I didn't bring it up again.

B-but right now I'm ashamed beyond belief. I feel tremendously dirty a-and so damn violated, I-..."

His voice cracks and I hold tight onto his trembling frame. Offhandedly, he is back to the sad, broken teenage boy, I once witnessed crying in a dark alley all those years ago. And it makes me so unbelievably angry, because he has come so far with his self-confidence and everything he is and now it seems like back to square one.

If I ever cross paths with Alex again, I won't guarantee for the actions I might take.

While talking, he straightens up a bit so his head it now resting on my chest and he's holding onto me like I'm everything he has left. And in a way, I am. His mother and wife died and to put it nicely he is not on the best terms with his father either.

"Hush, Toby, it's alright. You are safe with me. It wasn't your fault, so don't go there, okay?"

"I'm afraid it was. I should have seen the signs. If only I had taken a closer look at the book right away, I could have figured it out so much earlier."

I can't deny it stings a bit. It wasn't me who gave him the book, but he thought it was. He knew it was precious for me, something peculiar to remind him of my existence. Yet he didn't even bother to open it and think of me once all this time?

 _Don't be so selfish, his wife died, he had other problems._

"Besides, it's not like it was only one mistake, was it? Because you didn't visit me at my hotel room after the engagement party, did you?"

Questioningly, he looks up at me and searches my eyes for the truth. His ocean blue eyes are brimming with tears and holding so much emotions that I have to avert my watery eyes helplessly. I wish I could give him the salvation he is looking for. The redeeming words he desperately wants to hear, that it was in fact me the second time. Unfortunately for both of us, it wasn't.

The aguish he is going through is so painful to watch. He cries silent tears, still shaking slightly while I rub his back in soothing circles.

"I didn't think s-so. Please tell me at least it was you, when I came back from Africa. And that it was you I played scrabble with. Otherwise I think I'm going to lose my mind."

I nodded, a small smile creeping on my face. "Duh. Of course, it was. Who else would invite you back to a hotel room to play scrabble."

At this he visibly eases a bit. I'm glad, even though it is just a small band-aid for the gashes on his soul that will undoubtedly leave scars. For now it is all I can offer.

Awhile, we sit in silcence. Then he wipes his tears away and stops shaking as the anger and helplessness about what occurred to him finally take over. He's seated upright now, leaning on the trunk and pulling at his hair.

"Damn it! I slept with her twice for crying out loud! And it's so freaking contradictory that in this very moment I enjoyed it, only to find out later on it wasn't you and I was raped by deception. It makes me sick to think of it and the amount of guilt and shame is something I never experienced before. Not even with Jenna. Don't you see? I'm sitting here with you, crying like a small boy. I'm fucking pathetic!"

Before he can pluck his beautiful locks out of pure frustration, I seize his large calloused hands and place them carefully in mine.

"Hey, listen to me. You are anything but. And after all that you've been through you are allowed to cry. Showing emotions makes you human and a far stronger man than all those guys who hide behind facades, unable to deal with their pain.

What happened to you is so upsetting and shockingly horrendous that I can't even begin to imagine how you feel.

But, you are not alone. You have Em, the guys and the girls. You have _me_. Being raped doesn't define you. And we all love you for who you are."

 _I love you for who you are._

He looks up and our eyes meet. It's ocean versus coffee and nothing else seems to exist anymore.

It sounds so damn cheesy, but I could get lost in those pools of blue anytime and I never want to be found.

Like we are magnets, there is a pull between us and we slowly start to lean in closer until our faces are barely a few inches apart.


	8. Chapter 8

**Toby POV**

It's like we are in the middle of an intense gazing match, waiting for the other one to cave in first and finally close the small gap between us. Spencer is by far the most competitive person I know, so there's no shadow of a doubt that she's persistent to win.

Her hot breath is fanning my face and it doesn't help that she's automatically biting her lip either. Without even thinking twice if it is wise to do so, I surrender because I just can't stand the tension anymore.

My blue eyes travel from her breathtakingly hypnotizing coffee irises to her soft pink lips and back again. My heart is beating frantically in my chest as I slowly cup her cheek ever so softly, afraid that she'll vanish any second if I make just one rash movement.

It's like I've been in the desert for years and she is my only source of water after all this time. She unconsciously wets her lips with her tongue and I just have to brush my lips on her sensual, luscious ones before I go nuts.

Now.

However as I approach her further in order to do so, it's like she snaps out of a daze. She clears her throat and turns her head away.

Just like that, the fata morgana is gone and I'm left high and dry again.

Slightly disappointed, I scratch my neck awkwardly and look away too. I'm quite embarrassed by the small blush that's undoubtedly rising on my cheeks.

The rejection I feel in this moment is a sentiment I wish I never had to endure again. At least not romantically with her of all people.

"We can't –"

"I'm sorry-"

We both start talking at the same time and chuckle at our synchronicity. I motion for her to go first.

"I don't think this is such a good idea right now. You are vulnerable and confused. I doubt that this is what you want or currently need. I'm not going to take advantage of you. I'm not Alex...", she trails off.

"I'm sorry, Spence. I didn't want to make you uncomfortable. Of course, I know you are not her. And I get where you are coming from. But it's not like that, at least not for me. I realize it's complicated and everything is a mess. However, if there is one thing I'm certain of, it's my feelings for you and that I need you in my life."

I take her small hand in mine to bring my message across. It's definitely not the ideal moment. But I just want to be honest, because I don't want to lose her ever again.

At first she gives me a puzzled look but then understanding and some other emotion I can't quite grasp flashes through her eyes and she slowly, yet surely withdraws her hand.

It's like what she's about to say is something she tried to avoid as long as possible. She almost seems helpless and scared to go through with it.

"That's exactly the point. How can you be so confident about that one?

I'm really, really sorry, Toby. I don't want to sound rude or blunt and I don't want to hurt you with the poisonous thoughts that are going on in my mind right now. I really don't. That's why I better keep my mouth shut and leave it at that.

The only thing you need to know is that you are not alone. I will be there for you Toby. _As a_ _friend_. That's all I can offer."

I involuntarily gulp and the crashing sound of breaking glass you can probably hear right now is my wounded heart shattering into a thousand tiny pieces.

Ouch.

Being friendzoned by just anybody isn't nice. However being friendzoned by the love of your life is something I don't wish on my worst enemy. Not even Alex.

As for the archenemy Jenna, if it wasn't for her and the help of Bashful, Spencer would probably be dead right now. I wasn't able to figure it out. And it was me, who left her in the first place. Not only once, but twice.

So what did I expect from her right now?

Right after everything that has happened, the emotional roller coaster she has been through not only in the last 48 hours but also since high school?

God damn it, I left her and married another woman. And even though it was unintentional, I slept with her sister twice! Of course she won't throw her arms around me and take me back in an instant.

Despite the dull pain in my aching chest, I won't give up. Not this time. If she needs time and space to heal, that's okay.

If she wants to be friends for the time being, I'm going to live with that.

I will wait for her and fight for her love this time.

"Well," I sigh deeply, "Even though it's hard for me, I respect that you just want to be friends. Regardless, I need you to know, that I'll wait for you and I'll be there whenever you change your mind."

She nods her head and gives me a half smile. "Okay."

"As for now, Miss Hastings, kindly enlighten me. What's going on in that pretty little head of yours? You know, you can be totally honest with me and I promise you I won't get mad. By the way, rest assured, I'll find out anyway, 'cause a certain someone's tenacity rubbed off on me."

Spencer frowns and a sigh escapes her lips. She's unsure if she is supposed to open up to me. It kind of hurts, but I can't expect the same candidness we shared once, can I?

I take her hand and squeeze it encouragingly. We seem to do that a lot. Holding hands. Still, this seems to do the trick. She takes a deep breath and shares not only her concealed thoughts but also bares a part of her soul to me.

"Look, it's complicated...

You claim to have feelings for me and to want me. Yet, you say that now, when most of the time you thought you spent with me, in a much more intimate way, was a lie. It was actually my twin sister.

And as hard as it is for me to say that, maybe in a paradox way it might be her you want. Not me. Psychologically it is a possibility. I read about cases like this.

Besides it's not the first time it happened to me that someone who liked me a lot fell in love with Alex, after getting to know her. Wren did, too.

And what if history repeats itself and she got pregnant like Mary did?

I can only imagine you strongly want to disagree on this one, but please, just think about it, okay?"

I silently nod my head.

Honestly, I don't know what to do with the words that just spilled out of her mouth. Of course I want to contradict her. At the same time she deserves that I'm one hundred percent sure. Can I guarantee that in my confused state of mind?

Never have I ever felt so much love for another person, as I did for Spencer. Not even for Yvonne. I can finally admit that now.

But is it still like that or am I merely in love with the idea of her and the lines are blurred with the recent experiences I shared with Alex? As much as they disgust me now, in the exact moment they didn't.

As for a possible pregnancy, I don't even want to think about that. We used protection everytime, but you never know.

Before I can go further down that route, she starts talking again.

"Another idea occupying my head is what happened right before you left for Maine and at the cabin with you and Alex.

And keep in mind, that I don't blame you at all, it's not my place to judge. I just can't help those thoughts.

You know when Alex kissed you, you could have reconsidered everything, but you didn't. You stayed true to yourself and left with the love of your life. And this wasn't the first time you deliberately chose Yvonne."

 _Yeah, I did and it was the biggest mistake I've ever made._

I'm not only guilty of leaving Spencer but of stringing Yvonne along, too. It's not that I didn't love her. But it was not enough and she had to pay it with her life. I hurt two important people and there is no excuse for that. I messed up big time and I can't ever go back.

Nevertheless, I want her to know that I'm sorry. As if reading my mind, she continues.

"It's okay, Toby. It's okay...

You know, I didn't look like it on the outside, because I needed to be strong. I wanted you to be happy after all the things I put you through. But admittedly it broke my heart. However it was your decision to make and you had every right to follow your dreams."

 _But you were my dream, I was just too stubborn to admit it to myself. And I thought you didn't want me anymore. That you found your happiness without me. Together with my best friend. And then with Furey. It's the reason why I left to move on._

"Not long after losing Yvonne, you slept with Alex who you believed to be me at that time. While it wasn't me it still feels like I was kind of a rebound."

 _Oh, Spence, if only you knew..._

"And that's just not how it's supposed to be, you know. It's not how I imagined my future.

My whole life I found myself in situations where I wasn't first priority. My parents treated me differently than Melissa. Caleb and Marco left me because something else was more important. Like Hanna or the job. I don't blame them either. Its' just, that I'm sick and tired of being everyone's second choice. Not when I watch everyone else being happy with their loved ones, getting married and having kids.

I'm not a fool. Fairy tales don't exist. Obviously not for me.

And after being left in the dust so many times, I'd rather stay alone than ending up like that again. I don't know, where I went wrong, I just refuse to give up the last piece of dignitiy I have left. I deserve more."

 _You do. I don't deserve you either after what I've done._

I spy a small tear trickling down her face. And it shatters the tiny shards of my heart that were left to powdered dust.

Instead of turning into a sobbing mess like anyone else would probably do, she wipes away the tear and gets up. She's such a strong person it never ceases to amaze me.

"So, enough of all this for now. Are you still up for the riding lessons?"

Speechless, I watch her stretch out her hand in order to help me up. There are still some things left I'd like to say. Nonetheless, I leave it at that for the time being.

Because there is nothing I could tell her, that would change her mind about us right now. There is nothing I can do to turn back time and unmake all the mistakes and the pain I've undoubtedly caused her in the past.

With that I take her hand and get up to seal my fate as a friendzoned exlover. Again.

For now the only thing left to do is to show her that I'm there for her. And even if it is just as a friend, I make a promise to myself to show her every single day that she is loved. Because she deserves so much more than the shitty hand she was dealt with.


End file.
